Jul 172009
 

I’ve been holding this tasty but long rambling recipe for over a year now. It’s finally time to post. Aside from capitalizing some letters, I’m leaving this gem alone. Remember to stop at every step and clean, per the instructions! ;)

Submitted By: ghostb0y

Submitted From: Iowa/Hawaii/North Carolina

    Ingredients

  • three packs ramen. (pork, mushroom chicken, chicken)
  • one medium-large carrot
  • a small bunch cilantro
  • sangria (optional)
  • shoyu (a type of soy sauce)
  • 1-2 tablespoon oil
  • four tablespoons sugar
  • water
  • one egg
  • 1 bay leaf
  • black pepper
  • minced garlic

Cooking Equipment Required: nonstick pan, plastic spatula, knife, cuttingboard, any other measuing tools or portion bowl if you need them.

This is more less a lesson how to make maybe one of the most badass ramen dishes you’ve ever had. I’m not give exact cookin time and what nots because my gear is different then yours. and you prolly wont follow the directions to the tee anyways. Theres a million ways to do it, this is just the most common way i get the job done in my tiny ass apartment.

Fill large nonstick skillet with about a two or three cups of water, add bay leaf and red pepper, and boil for five minutes. Pour this bay water out and set aside. Clean mess made thus far. Place sugar in pan along with a dabble of water. crank stove on med-high and cook until sugar is dark brown, like almost too brown but just on the edge of being burnt. be care it can easily go over board if your not paying attention. stir it but kind of shaking the pan. one its done your going to add the bay water to the pan. PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!!! It’s going to snap crackle and pop violently. Sugar cooked at this stage is VERY HOT, the water will turn to steam and throw the sugar up into the air, it will burn you instantly.

Fill the pan with more water, enough liquid to cook your ramen noodles. add all three seasoning packets and a few shakes of shoyu. Bring to a boil. Clean mess made thus far. While waiting for bay water/sugar to brown/soup to boil, you can do these things; break each block of dry ramen into fourths, set aside slice carrot thin on hard bias, set aside on different part of cutting board not being used or a small bowl. mash garlic with blade of knife against cutting board, mince, set aside on different part of cutting board. give the leaves of the cilantro a good tear or two. with your hands if you have long stems just run your knife through it once to cut them down to edible size.

So now we are ready to cook noodles. add your noodles to the soup. cook it until they get to a medium well- very well. drain. yes that super complicated involved soup/stock we made. drain it, throw it away, unless you want to save it for something. that flavor is now in the noodles. so soup is not nessiscary. set noodles aside. clean mess made thus far. CLEAN YOUR PAN. clean pan is important every step of the way because clean stuff performs better. better performance = awesome ramen noodles. NOW OVER HIGH HEAT. (because we are simulating what a wok does.) add a tablespoon of oil to your pan. hot pan, cold oil, perfect saute. the egg. im a bachlor, im also a freelance chef with serval years of professional cooking experience and three years of culinary arts school. YOU COULD crack the egg into a bowl and whip it. add it to the pan cook it, and slice it. but that makes a fucking mess. more dishes to do. it would like nicer. depends one who your trying to impress. i just add the egg to the pan and kind chop it with my spatula as i cooks. neext add your carrots, then garlic. cook to your liking. i love char, but not mush, are we all fimilar with the term al dente? add your noodles. add another table spoon of oil. toss noodles in oil, coat evenly. add cilantro. toss. wilt cilantro a lil. add a few shakes of shoyu, add this to the pan as even as possibly. dont just drop a bunch of soy in one spot. make it even. toss cook for a minute or two. toss. i high sear/hard brulee on noodle. so that that way it’s kind crunchy, chewy, soft, tasty. remember “Al dente” for those of you who think you can cook. finish with a sprinkle of sangria wine over the top. and a toss or two. plate up, looks cool on a black plate. stuff some chop stick in it for the oriental flare garnish with some sesame seeds. clean mess thus far. eat. dishes. sleep.

Afterword:

see? this can serve two smaller portions. im a heavy eater and bicyclist so i eat the entire thing to myself most days. variations: celery, scallion, mushroom, bean sprouts, pork, chicken, beef, tofu, young ginger, peanuts, onions, eggplant, zucchini, fish, shrimp, scallops, it seems involved. but is your good you can make it in no less then 15 minutes. remember: you can still be poor and not eat crap. unless your spending all your money on drugs or liquor, you can afford to buy a few thing to jazz up your ramen noodles. experiment. there’s a million different way to do this shit. not knowing how to cook is like not knowing how to fuck. you have to eat for the rest of your life. so your going to need to know how to cook. women have no place in the kitchen, they will prolly screw it up. there no excuse for a man who doesn’t know how to cook. start with a clean kitchen. even if your really hungry and anxious to get cooking. start with a clean kitchen, it will make cooking a hell of a lot easier for you. cleanliness if next to godliness. clean as you go.

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  11 Responses to “Yakisoba? Ramen”

  1. Wow.

    This guy sounds like a real winner.

  2. In all my days of reading extensively across the Internet, I’m stunned.

    You don’t think they’re using “cooking” classes as rehab in the Federal Prison System, do you?

  3. So is F@$%ing your mother one of the steps?? If so this is one ramen dish I wont be making

  4. @Mahoney: Yeah, sorry about that. I was editing it some and I got bored after 30 minutes and missed that.

  5. This guy’s a ‘bachlor?’ Shocking.

    Here’s your chance, ladies! Snap him up, and he’ll do all the cooking, as you would ‘prolly’ screw it up.

  6. Really enjoyed the recipe until the chauvinistic ass showed his personality. I plan on trying it with my fiance still. Crazy idea though we will both cook it together and he can “prolly” kiss my *$(#&

  7. bravo. you are a badass.

  8. The afterword was quite uncalled for. It seemed rude, and I don’t think I will be cooking this.

  9. Whoever wrote this is awesome.

  10. Obviously he doesn’t have mother

  11. Haha, I loved reading this! The afterward wasn’t offensive…it was hilarious. The recipe looks disgusting though, not to mention the kind of pointless and dangerous sugar instructions. Real yakisoba isn’t hard, look that up instead. No cleaning needed!

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